Roadside Divergent
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: "Roadside Attraction" AU! What dose an eldritch abomination do when it sniffs out a broken Aesop? Why break it further, of course! (will be continued in 'Tales of the Falls')
1. Chapter 1

**Roadside divergent**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

Beyond time...beyond space...beyond comprehension...Beyond...well beyond...Something woke...something stirred...something sniffed...something smirked...something...was **broken**...

…...

Dipper Pines was in a panic! Things had been complicated enough as it is with just Candy Now all these other girls were mad at him, yelling at him, and-

"Okay, okay! Whoa! Stop everything!" Everyone turned around...and wet themselves.

Standing before them was a hideous demonic entity...It wore a business suite...it had multiple, long, slender arms...and no face!

It shook it's head. "Look I get that your trying to go for the "Being a playboy is wrong" Aesop- Which is fine, don't get me wrong...But how you implemented it was flawed."

Dipper and the girls had no idea what this thing was talking about...But they were too scared to say or do anything.

The thing continues. "And we never see or hear Dipper do anything really romantic! Not to mention he clearly didn't know the girls for more then a few hours apiece tops!"

It shakes it's head as it turns to them and stares at them intently. "So what's the moral here? 'Girls will misinterpret any interaction you have with them as deeply romantic and meaningful to you both, so giving attention to more than one at once is a bad idea?'" The creature shook it's head. "I can't be the only one to see how messed up that is."

He then points to Candy(who wets herself again). "And don't think I've forgotten about you, young lady. Being all huffy over Dippers 'flirting'...But what about your friend Mabel? She flirts with everything that breathes...yet you treat it as charming...So what's the moral there? 'Girls can flirt with anyone with no problem, but guys need to reign it in because women can't be trusted not to overreact?' There's a nice double standard there!"

He then smiles. "But enough of the after-school special...Time to give the audience what they came for: HARD-CORE NUDITY!"

WAIT, WHAT!? Screamed everyone as the creature tossed down an Extra-strength Lust potion.

…...

The creature laughed as Dipper was 'raped' by all those girls at once, the fact that Stan gets eaten during this is just the icing on the cake!

"Right, let's see if we can't shatter this Aesop further!" He pauses only long enough to put their uncles corpse in Mabe's bed. He then goes to the next universe over, and back to the very beginning of the episode...at a certain giant ball of yarn...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**

 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	2. Chapter 2

**Roadside divergent ch. 2**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

…...

 _Where the hell is Dipper!?_ Thinks Stan frantically. The worlds biggest ball of yarn was ready to be unwound! They needed to get out of here before Sweetkins gets wise!

He gets an unexplainable urge to look in a nearby bush...where his naked nephew is looking down on an equally naked tour girl in horror. Stan looks at this sight in horror! The girl was unconscious! Dipper was crying! "I...I don't know what came over me!" Admits an ashamed Dipper. One moment he'd been trying to flirt...the next they were attacking each other hungrily!

Suddenly hearing Sweetkins angry scream; shocked Stan back to earth. Resolving to figure this out later; he grabs Dipper and runs him to the R.V...

 **(Mal's Whistle-song plays)**

After everyone has left. Slenderman(invisible to all) whistles malevolently as he makes some 'adjustments' to the girl before she wakes...

…...

Dipper walks into Upside-Down town awkwardly. After a long, awkward talk with Stan...they'd decided to chalk the whole thing to usual 'Gravity Falls weirdness'. And try to forget it happened. Dipper felt bad about the whole thing and wanted to try to contact the girl. But Stan forbid it.

 _Look kid...Woman can be...'unpredictable' when it comes to this sort of thing...we believe in 'weirdness'...a jury will only believe 'rape'...Which is why were not going to mention this to the girls either..._

So against Dipper better judgment, he went along with Stans advice. He bumps into someone. "Oh, I'm sorry-

The instant Dipper saw Emma Sue, he stopped talking...and they both got 'busy'.

 **(Mal's whistle)**

Slenderman whistles as he conceals the two young lovers from prying eyes...until he 'influences' an increasingly mortified Stan to this location...

…...

Needles to say, Stan and Dipper agreed it would be best if Dipper stayed in the RV for the rest of the trip. Dipper sighed. _So much for getting over Wendy._ Thinks Dipper mournfully as he lounges on the chair-

 **BUG SPRAY!**

 **CRASH!**

Dipper looked in amazement as a hobo wearing a tinfoil-hat threw a can of bug-spray through the window. Within moments, the RV was filled with noxious smoke. Dipper gagged as he was forced to flee to the outside-

 **SMACK!**

Where he crashed right into a corn-maze girl. _Oh, no._ Thought Dipper as their urges once more took over-

 **(Mal's whistle)**

A nearby homeless man whistled as he reverted back to Slenderman...

…...

"Uh, Grunkle Stan? Why are you chaining and boarding up the RV?" Asks Mabel. Stan panics. "Uh...Non-specific excuse!" He shouts.

He turns to Log Land and begins to walk toward it. "Alright, now we have to be quick-

 **SPLASH!**

Stan doesn't even bother to turn around. He just rubs his face and sighs. "Okay...new plan. I'm going to go find Dipper...and then were getting out of here and cutting the trip short."

Stan ignores the girls cries of confusion and unfairness as he searches for his now missing nephew...only to find him sobbing hysterically over an unconscious, naked Log Land girl.

 **(Mal's Whistle)**

"Oops, clumsy me!" Said Slenderman innocently...

…...

Stan and Dipper were officially freaking out! They'd been driving for a whole day; but all the roads refused to take them back home! Only to Mystery Mountain! Stan groaned. "Sorry kid...but this place was going to be my last stop originally...maybe if we go there we'll be able to get home afterwards?" Theorized Stan hopefully.

Not having a better option, Dipper was forced to agree. _Okay...think positive Dipper...so you sleep with maybe one more tourist girl?...as bad as that is...I'll never see them again! That's the great thing about roadtrips...right?_ Thinks Dipper frantically.

…...

Mabel was not having a great time. Not only had their fun trip been cut short, but Dipper hadn't moved on yet! It seemed like he hadn't even tried! Well, she'd fix that! She'd-

 _Wait...didn't I do something similar like this in a bunker?...and with love potions?...and didn't that end badly?_ Ponders Mabel thoughtfully...

 **(Mal's Whistle)**

Slenderman chuckles as he pours liquidized Aesop Amnesia onto the oblivious girls head...

…...

 _Wait...what was I thinking about...whatever, never mind. Back to meddling with Dippers love life!_ She then has a long talk with an eager Candy...

…...

"Question. The back seat makes me car sick. Can I sit up front today?" Asks Mabel suddenly. "Also question. I'm the size of two people. Can I have a whole seat to myself?" Asks Grenda quickly.

Stan shrugs and is about to say yes. Before Dipper quickly whispers to him. "Grunkle Stan, don't! That'll put me alone with Candy!" He says frantically.

Stan's eyes widened, but nodded. They couldn't afford to take any chances there! "Sorry Mabel, but no. Dippers staying in the front seat for the rest of the trip." Mabel is about to object- "I know that's not fair, but I promise I'll make it up to you if- When we get home! End of discussion!" Interrupted Stan.

Mabel's eyes narrowed. _We'll see about that..._

…...

"Uh, Mabel? I'm not sure how comfortable I am with this." Admitted Grenda as they broke through the chains of both the RV and a sleeping Dipper(Mabel having drugged his soda).

"Suck it up Grenda! Were making love happen!" Shouted Mabel as they dragged Dipper into a cave where an equally uncomfortable Candy waited, then locked them both in.

They walk back to the parking lot discussing potential baby names for the 'new power couple'.

"Oh! Maybe it'll be something inspired by his pine tree hat!" Shouted Grenda. "I'm sorry did you say Pine Tree hat?" They turned to see a girl walking toward them. "We talking a blue hat, he's about yeah big, shorts and vest?"

"Yeah, that's Dipper!" Says Mabel. "Why, do you know him?" She asks curiously Emma Sue glares down at her now bloated stomach. "Yeah, you could say that." She says darkly. Meanwhile, several other girls with similar 'afflictions'. Overhear the conversation and begin to gather.

…...

Candy looked at Dipper confused as he clawed at the exit and begged her to stay away. Candy stepped forward. "Dipper what's wrong- She stopped talking...The rest...was **silence**...

…...

Mabel looked at the collection of girls horrified. "What!? NO! You have the wrong guy! Dipper would never do that!" "Prove it!". Shouts a girl. Mabel nods. "Fine! I'll take you to him right now to sort this out! There's not a single doubt in my mind he's not the guy your after!" Shouts Mabel sincerely...

…...

"Oh, no! No! NO! NO! NO! NO! What have I done!?" Shouts a horrified, naked Dipper. As he stares down at a naked, unconscious Candy.

Dipper backs away in shame, sobbing hysterically. "How am I going to explain this to Mabel!?" He shouts frantically as he turns around-

 **FREEZE!**

And time literally froze. Slenderman looked around. Dipper was about to turn around naked to face a horde of angry woman and one heartbroken Mabel.

"Huh, this is a pretty heartbreaking, traumatic moment...I should probably leave well enough alone...NOT!

 **(Mal's Whistle)**

Slenderman messes with space-time to not only make past Dippers wang shrink from average to abnormally small...but also makes it so that Dipper never noticed this before until this very moment!

Slenderman then laughs maniacally as he shrinks the wangs of a thousand more AU Dippers and pops a 5 year-old Mable's balloon and drinks her ensuing tears...

 **UNFREEZE!**

"D-Dipper?" Asks a sobbing Mabel. "W-why are you naked? W-what did you do to Candy?"

A mortified, shamed, and sobbing Dipper just covers himself and stammers as Slenderman laughs unseen at the whole thing...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: Right so whenever your annoyed at me making Dipper 'small', blame Slenderman! He's responsible!**

… **...Actually...Don't blame him, he'll kill you horribly while you sleep...Better just Flame me, it's safer.**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	3. Chapter 3

**ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **AN: There, apparently has been some confusion. I am still continuing this story. I'm just continuing it in 'Tales of the falls' ;it's easier for me to keep track and organize that way.**

 **As for the rate of updating; that depends on real life, inspiration, will of my lord and savior Jesus Christ...and bribing me with 'Shake up the falls chapters.**

 **Yes, for every ONE chapter of my 'Tales of the Falls' challenge you make, I'll have THREE stories of YOUR choosing updated.**

 **...as long as they follow the requirement below:**

 **SHAKE UP THE FALLS: CHALLENGE!**

 **Primary Objective:**

 **Tired of fanfictions just copying cannon and not doing anything really different? Well, I am!**

 **So I say we do a 'deconstruction' of Dipper and Mabels 'sibling bond'! Through the following-**

 **(BEGIN FLASH-FORWARD)**

 ** _A forty-something year old Dipper enters his parents house and takes off his fast-food uniform with a sigh as he looks down at his meager paycheck._**

 ** _A forty-something Mabel (wearing a crazy sweater and surrounded by dozens of cats); looks up._**

 **" _Hey Dipping sauce! Guess what!? I made a 50 ft butterfly made of comics...which I then set ablaze! I'm still the goddess of destruction!...also the police are here again to fine us for burning stuff without a permit...also for unintended arson damage to the neighbors house"_**

 **" _Wait, what!?" Shouts Dipper just as a policeman steps out of the shadows and snatches up Dipper's paycheck._**

 **" _Ah, come on man! I worked overtime the whole week at the drive-through to earn that!" Shouts Dipper. But the Officer had already left._**

 ** _Dipper feels a drop of water on his head...the ceiling was leaking..._**

 **" _I also created a new water slide for Waddles!"_**

 ** _CRASH!_**

 ** _The ceiling gives way as a giant hog crashes down and breaks the floor; water soaking everything!_**

 ** _The cats scatter in panic; breaking various household objects as they do so._**

 ** _Mabel laughs at this. "Ah, they're cute when their crazy!" She shouts as she takes a picture of them._**

 ** _Dipper sighs as he goes to check the emergency fund...only to find it empty..._**

 **" _Hey Dipping sauce! Can we have Pizza tonight!? Duck-tective will be on!" Shouts the ever cheerful yet oblivious Mabel._**

 ** _Dipper just hangs his head...and cries..._**

 ** _(FLASH-FORWARD END)_**

 **What I just showed you was a peek into a future after Gravity falls, where Mabel no longer needs to fear growing up...because she doesn't have to! Why would she need to when she has a pushover brother who is willing to sacrifice everything: never getting married, never being independent, never having a life of his own to make her happy?!(in other words: An Enabler/Co-dependent relationship)  
**

 **You can give this vision to whoever you want: Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, Pacifica, Stan, Ford, Soos, etc- You can have it sent to them at any time in the series, or have them sent back in time, or do a Peggy Sue! And have them use this knowledge to shatter cannon!**

 **Also Bill Cipher's threat needs to be taken more seriously!(I'm talking actual full-on Armageddon preparation after his first appearance!) And they need to take Gideon seriously when he sends the creepy letters and hosts his TV show(You don't have to kill him, but the Pines Family have to at least Neutralize him...or make some kind preparation to fight him when he breaks out). EXAMPLE: Mable is forced to take Dipper more seriously and not mess with him to survive or The realization that she and her loved one's might die at the end of the summer make Wendy not so hung up on the whole 'age gap' with Dipper and goes out with him.  
**

 **Also, the hero's need to be proactive! When Gideon starts sending creepy letters and making television broadcasts, they need to take care of him(kill or neutralize; either works). All that matters is that they strike first at the first sign of trouble; And don't just have them wait around and do nothing!  
**

 **NO LEMONS, LIMES, YAOI, YURI OR INCEST PLEASE! I HATE THAT STUFF...  
**

 **Secondary objective: the following episodes can't end as they did in cannon!(especially if your doing a Crossover!) If you want to kill Wendy and have Pacifica be the rebound fine. Or you could have Wendy give Dipper a chance after saving him from ghosts...have them go on a couple dates(this can even happen off-screen if it's easier)...Wendy decides it's not going to work...and then land Pacifica on the rebound(that works too) Just do something different!(conversely, you could also just give Pacifica Tyrone and Dipper could have Wendy...just saying...everyone would be happy...)**

 **"The Inconveniencing".(it annoyed me that no one did anything with Wendy's 'stare at wall and rethink everything' statement, I'd appreciate some help there)  
**

 **Time Travelers Pig(call it semantics if you must, but I would never let a girl get hurt just to save a pig. Mabel's just going to have to suck it up and learn she can't have everything)(I'd recommend using Steven Universes 'The Answer' as a template(or it's Aesop at least)) The ending can't be cannon! Especially if your doing a crossover!(Endings where BOTH Waddles and Wendy are saved are also okay)  
**

 **Fight Fighters(none of this band-aid solution 'hate each other in silence' stuff! I want to see an aftermath! Have Wendy find out the truth and be mad at both of them if you have to! Just do something different!**

 **Little Dipper(I would prefer you just skip this episode entirely to be honest) (Or better yet, use Steven Universes 'Too short to Ride' episode as a template)(But if you do, do this episode...skip the 'twins idiotically Argue over the crystal instead of saving themselves and their home from Gideon' Scene. Have Dipper punch out Mabel and use the crystal. Or have Mabel punch out Dipper to use the crystal! Just do something different! Especially if it's Crossover! In that case have someone else punch them and use the crystal!)Considering what Dipper just sacrificed for Mable in Time travelers pig...I've always felt that Mable was more then a bit ungrateful and mean in this episode...  
**

 **Boyz Crazy(I actually have no problem with the ending here believe it or not, but I was annoyed that it was rendered somewhat meaningless since there was no aftermath(between Dipper and Wendy anyway). So...you know...go do your thing. I would recommend using Steven universes 'week of Sardonyx' Arc as a template)**

 **Into the Bunker((take a deep breath)look, you can handle the shipping however you want. But you have to have Mabel equally punished for the trouble(it is her fault they were locked in there in the first place after all). (Preferably where Wendy and Dipper are mad at Mabel and refuse to forgive her.)(their also needs to be an aftermath, Dipper having an honest, real conversation with Wendy about how he still has feelings for her and where they go from here. I'd recommend using Steven Universe episodes 'Mr Greg' or 'we need to talk' as templates)(also please just skip 'Roadside attraction' entirely, please)(if your doing a crossover, and bring someone else down there with them, you have to have them stop Mabel from locking Dipper up!  
**

 **Northwest mansion Noir:(Groan) so much wasted potential. Pacifica's parents just forgive her? Nothing comes from the shipping? Pacifica was nearly killed by Wendy's ancestor, and nothing comes from that?)(P.S. I'm aware that a lot of people have actually fixed that in their fics(for which I'm grateful), I just feel that it needs to be said)**

 **Mabel and Dipper v.s. the future(you do what you want with this...just don't make things so ridiculously one-sided and place all the blame on Dipper as it did in cannon(also, Dipper has to find out about Mabel's deal with Bill))**

 **Tertiary objective:**

 **Dipper V.S. Manliness: I always thought it weird that their was no girl(be it Wendy, pacifica, Tambry, or candy, etc) during his 'man trials'. Whether to beat him at being a 'man', laugh at his loincloth(or if he loses said loincloth, make him embarrassed), be inadvertently a crucial part of his 'trial', or just along for the ride...I just think it's a story possibility that should be explored is all... I also feel that Stan's hypocrisy for badmouthing ABBA while he himself watches 'The Duchess Approves' should be explored...as well as Dipper getting mad at Mable ridiculing him after everything he's done for her,  
**

 **Carpet Diem: It always bugged me that nobody cared about Dippers leg getting chewed off by a wolf, A woodpecker biting out his tongue, or his personal belongings getting vandalized...Don't just slap a band-aid solution 'Status-Quo' approved ending on it...make Dipper mad at Mabel for putting him through all that! Have it be a long messy fight! If you make them reconcile...they BOTH have to earn it!(especially Mable)  
**

 **Summerween: Why is it so horrible for Dipper to want to celebrate Halloween his own way? True, he shouldn't of lied, but slanting the episode to put him completely in the wrong for wanting to have fun his own way...was completely unnecessary! Pleas make this episode more balanced**

 **Dreamscape: For the most part I have no complaints about the episode, but it needs to be at least addressed that Stan only 'toughens' up Dipper while letting Mable do whatever she wants. Also, could someone PLEASE tackle Gideon when he's gloating about the Deed in front of the Pines?**

 **Soos and the real girl(I don't get why Melody should have to leave, I'd rather prefer she stayed and have a sub-plot going with Soos)**

 **Blendin's Game(I mostly had no problem with this...but it always bugged me that no one did anything with the 'young Wendy thinks Dipper is cute' storyline...some assistance here would be most appreciated)(I'd also like to see Wendy's reaction to that)  
**

 **Tale of two Stans:(I'm with my fellow fanficton writers. Their should have at least been a small rift popping up between Mabel and Dipper after Mabel trusted Stan over Dipper(Especially considering she prevented Ford from killing Bill!))**

 **Stanchurian Candidate: I feel it was rather selfish for Stan to put his pride over the safety of his family, when they reveal the mind-control to him and he gets mad, lay it on home how he's being selfish and seemingly uncaring about his family!**

 **The last MabelCorn:** **I feel it was rather selfish for Mable to put her needs over the safety of her family, you can keep the 'Unicorns are selfish jerks' revelation if you want, but also lay it on home how she's being selfish and seemingly uncaring about her family!**

 **Roadside Attraction:(Recommended by Emma Iveli) If you MUST do this episode, Mable has to give Dipper more advice then just 'move on'(seriously, it's a bit weird she didn't help him more with this considering how much she loves matchmaking and knows better then anyone else how socially awkward Dipper is) And she and Grunkle Stan need to get into a big argument over who's advice is more valid. (pointing out the hypocrisy of Mable badmouthing flirting with multiple people, when she dose the same would be funny)  
**

 **Weirdmagedon: (can't think of anything...save for wanting to see a fic. where Ford's Bill-Killing Gun actually works...and Maybe some more character development/bonding between Dipper Wendy...and possibly Pacifica)(Oh, having Wendy comfort Dipper over his 'You can't make someone fall in love, you can only be worthy of love' speech would be nice too)  
**

 **Escape from Reality: JUST BURST THE BUBBLE! Especially if it's a crossover! A 22 minute story wrapped up in 5 minutes! Mabel can just deal with it!(it would also be nice if Wendy, Pacifica, or SOMEONE comforted Dipper about not getting any Valentines, also it be nice if someone reminded Wendy and Soos that their friends and family are suffering and they need to rescue them before they go gallivanting in the bubble).  
**

 **Take Back the Falls: If your doing a crossover, you HAVE to have someone from the Crossover-verse SUCCESSFULLY stop Stan from breaking the circle. By threatening him with death or dismemberment if necessary!**

 **EX: Ford: "Him and I...Grammar Stanley"**

 **Stan is about to beat him...when he feels cold steel pressed against his back**

 **Undyne: "YOU %$ #% one foot from where you are, I'll #% &$%$ kill you!"**

 **Stan gulps nervously...but stays in his place...and the cipher is complete...**

 **NOTE: to all Wendip and Dipifica fans alike...have you considered just making a water proof Tyrone and giving him to Pacifica while Dipper has Wendy? You could literally have your cake and eat it too!**

 **ANOTHER note: crossovers with gravity Falls in this challenge are accepted and encouraged! Let your imagination run wild!(But ONLY as long as you don't have the people from said crossover-verse sitting around useless and not letting them change the plot(let the above 'stop Stan from ruining the circle' be your template for ANY other moments in Gravity falls Cannon)**

 **And one more thing...I'm well aware that this might not be some people's cup of tea...so if you want to adopt ANY of my stories...or give them to a friend/acquaintance. That's fine.**

 **This dose NOT mean I'm discontinuing my stories, I'm just trying to give you more options. I will also allow multiple adoptions, so more then one person can enjoy this!**

 **Well, that's more or less it, good hunting YAH'll!**

 **P.S. just a heads up; I'm finally moving into my own place come Christmas/new years...the place is nice, affordable rent, geographically Convenient, free wi-fi...the only downside is I have to wait THREE MONTHS to get said internet set up, it'll be top quality and FREE...but I have to wait at LEAST that long for it.**

 **A friend of mine said he could get a 'hotspot' set up...but who knows what will happen there.**

 **Bottom Line: If my updates online drop off for a couple months or I won't answer your Messages...that's probably why.**

 **But regardless; merry Christmas and a happy new year!**


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